Don Evaristo on the “Constructive Dialogue” with the Opposition

A satirical interview on political dialogue, public security, debt and the issues Don Evaristo believes remain outside the negotiating table.

INTERVIEW WITH DON EVARISTO

On the Constructive Dialogue with the Opposition
Good afternoon, Don Evaristo!
Come over here to the doorway for just a second, before it gets dark and things start getting spicy around here.
Tell me, how did you experience that great summit between the opposition and Yamandú Orsi? Did seeing the parties send their delegates over for a chat change your life?
—Look, m’hijo, the only thing that gathering of notables was good for was giving me an official certificate declaring me an idiot! What do you want me to tell you? They sent their representatives off to practice high-level committee-room diplomacy, to sit down with the government, drink mate and smoke the peace pipe in a spirit of goodwill… pure fourth-rate neighborhood theater! While they sit around a glass table discussing whether institutional dialogue is “republican and constructive,” I go down to the corner to buy bread and get killed three times on the way, because around here the neighborhood is more of a free-for-all than a carnival parade. If a motorcycle robber catches me, I’m going to tell him to wait until the multiparty dialogue round is over and see whether he takes pity on me and robs me with a gender perspective!
—Well, Don Evaristo, think about the future, about your grandchildren…
—What about my grandchildren, m’hijo? They’ve already mortgaged them down to the fifth generation with the brutal amount of public debt they’re issuing! They’re going to be born owing dollars before their great-grandchildren have even bought diapers! They issue paper as if it were New Year’s confetti and then tell us the economy is sailing along beautifully. Sailing along? The only things floating are the Treasury bonds they use to bury us in taxes! And mind you, I’m a loyal twenty-five-thousand-peso pensioner through and through, one of those who keeps waving the flag while his pension gets torn to pieces, watching the money disappear.
—But surely at that dialogue table they took a firm stand on the serious issues, like the “María Dolores” ranch, or the bailout of the Professional Fund and CASMU…
—What are they going to take a stand on, m’hijo?! Not a word about any of that! Didn’t you notice there wasn’t a single firm criticism? Even the southern lapwing doesn’t scream and hide its eggs that much! Nobody said a serious word about the purchase of the famous “María Dolores” ranch, which cost us a fortune while pensioners get crumbs. And the Professional Fund? A bottomless barrel! They patch up CASMU any way they can by sticking their hands into the same old cash box, while the structural problems remain right where they are, untouched, because the boys in politics would rather let their jaws drop from embarrassment than take any serious measure.
—So, Don Evaristo, what would you say to all those political leaders who believe that simply sitting down for a chat means they’ve already done their duty to the country?
—Tell them to put away the finger sandwiches and the memorandums of understanding, m’hijo. Put it all in a drawer and come live around the corner here for a week, and see whether, with a couple of bullets whistling past their ears, they still think “constructive dialogue” fills our cooking pot or keeps us out of a coffin. A hug, and put the revolver away, the bus will be along any minute!
Wait, wait, Don Evaristo, don’t give up on me now! But I imagine that with so many opposition demands and proposals, at least one serious idea must have come out of it…
—A serious idea? M’hijo querido, every proposal they bring to those dialogue tables is one fucking cosmic stupidity! They live floating around in a cloud of institutional bullshit, taking all of us for fools.
—Why do you say that, Don Evaristo? What do you mean?
—It’s time we woke up! Does anyone in their right mind believe Yamandú Orsi is going to convince the communists to start criticizing the dictatorships in Cuba and Nicaragua, when those regimes are the household idols of half the party? Please! They’d sooner pull out their own teeth than condemn their own patron saints! Or do they think Orsi is going to go to the UN, come out studs-first and demand immediate elections in Venezuela? They’re going to stand there silent as statues in a public square!
—Well, but at the national level maybe they’ll draw a firmer line on public works or security…
—Sure they will! Draw what line? Do you think Edgardo Ortuño is going to back down or stop the Casupá dam even if it means burying all of Florida under water and leaving us with a dam stranded in the middle of the desert? They couldn’t care less about the department! Or do you think “Negro” is going to accept that the lost war against the drug traffickers should be interrupted by a few miserable nighttime raids? They’re just there for decoration!
—And believe me, the best is still to come…
—Ah, don’t even get me started, m’hijo, don’t even get me started on Andrés Ojeda’s ridiculousness! They come out with outraged faces demanding that someone please protect the prosecutors who have grenades left at their doors and are shot at left and right, while the security guards stay on the other side drinking mate nonstop as if they were sitting around with friends on the rambla on a Sunday! It’s a tragic comedy, m’hijo! They’re taking the piss from beginning to end! Go do some work and stop talking nonsense!

Political dialogue
Security and drug trafficking
Public debt and spending

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