Summit at the Executive Tower

The archaeological left offers its remnants, and Ulloa gives them a masterclass in prison-style magical realism

SUMMIT AT THE EXECUTIVE TOWER
The archaeological left offers its remnants, and Ulloa gives them a masterclass in prison-style magical realism
By Dr. Nelson Jorge Mosco Castellano

On a day destined to go down in the annals of high diplomacy and absurd humor, the Executive Tower became the stage for a conclave of epic proportions.
Our most excellent president, his secretary, and the bewildered interior minister welcomed El Salvador’s vice president, Félix Ulloa, with great fanfare.
Moved by a profound humanitarian vocation —and perhaps by the cold sweats provoked by the scathing reports from Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, and the IACHR on the treatment of imprisoned gang members—, the Uruguayan authorities decided to play the trump card of regional solidarity from the archaeological left.
With great nobility, the national delegation offered the Salvadoran visitor the chance to import the coveted “Uruguayan national security model,” sending its leading experts to set Central America back on the right course.
Vice President Ulloa, deeply moved, thanked them for the generous offer from the remnants of this South American left, but felt obliged to cool their enthusiasm. He warned that his people, who support President Nayib Bukele’s administration by a coquettish 90%, are highly nationalistic and protective of their own experiences, and would therefore be unlikely to accept this archaeological proposal from the Southern Cone.
What is more, with absolute respect, Ulloa metaphorically threw his sandal into the ring by noting that Uruguay’s nearly 18,000 prisoners would live in absolute luxury in Bukele’s “five-star” prisons, finally escaping the inhumane overcrowding of Uruguay’s own facilities, where —if he may be permitted— “they are treated worse than the worst animals.”
It is unlikely, he added, that Salvadorans would feel inclined to hand their neighborhoods back to gangsters who control marginal passageways and public spaces. All this without failing to congratulate the government on the titanic Más Barrio Plan, which has already sent a backhoe to Cerro Norte to knock down shacks, patch up most dignified constructions of tin and nylon, and clear a couple of pedestrian passages… just so those prehistoric amphibious vehicles they intend to use as cover can get in —vehicles that, judging by appearances, were not much help when a hundred Peñarol hooligans chased them off with stones.
Worthy of a standing ovation, Ulloa highlighted how the extraordinarily successful police operation led by “Negro” took only two months to capture the five criminals who had the brilliant idea of hijacking a bus so they could get to Danubio’s stadium on time. A feat worthy of Hollywood!
But the ironic banquet had only just begun.
Ulloa became creative and added that local security shines so brightly that there have been only three little drug dealers carefully guarded for their pleasant sexual and social encounters by none other than the chief of police himself —a minor detail that the current left-wing intelligence director, apparently, had blissfully ignored when he was chief in Montevideo.
And let us not even mention Rocco Morabito’s successful self-perceived expatriation disguised as an escape!
Without spending a single peso of state money, and with intelligence worthy of small-time spies, they switched off the prison cameras, opened the door, and invited him to enjoy a good pizza in Punta Carretas before “messing with him” by sending him off to Brazil, where serious police officers finally caught him. A masterpiece of management!
It is also marvelous to see how this justice system, so protective of criminals’ human rights, closes in record time a deal with a “fall guy” who launders money, elegantly avoiding the inconvenience of detaining the real owner of the exchange operation he works for —swapping currency for clean money— and wisely choosing to wait until he returns from vacation so as not to disturb him.
Unfortunately, such a maneuver from the highest school of public security was not understood by the Blancos, who, lacking vision, demanded that the poor local councilman return the money he had “rightfully earned” through remote consulting and by keeping the money launderer’s son entertained outside the house, thereby preventing the prosecutor from unfairly implicating him and ruling out his involvement in whatever was happening behind the secret door.
Toward the end, on the verge of tears and with his heart in his hand, Ulloa thanked them for the generous offer of advice and left the doors of El Salvador open to them. He suggested that, one day, when Europe stops importing coke and they become the hosts of an international conference in defense of the unfortunate drug trafficker somewhere in these latitudes, the Central American country would be delighted to receive them as refugees.
Orsi, Pacha, and Negro were left perplexed, staring at the horizon and wondering what scientific, astrological, or lysergic basis there could be for such an apocalyptic and curious theory about the failure of their Security Plan, as expressed by their Salvadoran friend.

Security and satire
Bukele model
Uruguayan contradictions

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